Europa Universalis 5 Too Complicated Lah 💀 — Control, Plague & Ship Bills Everywhere
Paradox promised grand strategy, gave us a PhD thesis. Control, plagues, broken ships — this is not empire-building, it’s unpaid overtime.
🧠 I Wanted Empire — Got Excel Simulator 2025
First five minutes, game asked me to pick a nation.
Next five, half my provinces rebelled because of “control.”
Bro — I barely controlled my mouse cursor lor.
They say control represents governance.
Feels more like Paradox’s revenge for people who dared enjoy EU4.
Every province now needs governors, autonomy, logistics capacity — basically a LinkedIn profile.
Lose control? Rebels. Gain control? Inflation. No win lah.
💀 Black Death Mechanics: The Plague Meta No One Asked For
Oh you like dynamic history meh?
Congratulations, enjoy Black Death DLC that turns half Europe into a biohazard minigame.
Population dies, tax dies, fun dies.
Event pops: > “Your king visited infected city. –1 stability.”
I press pause, still lose half manpower.
This isn’t strategy — this is COVID simulator with extra steps lor.
📉 Population Growth System — Or How to Watch Grass Die in 4K
EU5 added “population growth” like it’s a farm sim.
So now every province has five demographics, migration rates, and birth death ratios.
You want bigger tax base? Wait 50 years.
Want faster growth? Pray for RNG buff.
Paradox basically said: “Fun is a century-long investment.”
⚓ Ships So Expensive They Need Mortgage Plan
Naval rework my ass.
Ships cost more than Castilian royal weddings and die faster than my Wi-Fi during Typhoon Signal 8.
Every voyage is attrition roulette: cross one ocean, half fleet evaporate.
AI still somehow sends 500 ships around Africa like FedEx Prime.
Maintenance cost bleeding me dry.
Now I understand why Spain went bankrupt IRL lah.
💸 Money Replaces Admin, Diplo, Mil Points — Capitalism Patch Notes v1.0
Remember the old system with monarch points? Gone.
Now everything costs money.
Coring? Money.
Peace treaty? Money.
Breathing? Probably money too.
This ain’t grand strategy — this is grand capitalism simulator.
Paradox finally made the ultimate meta: pay to click.
Feels realistic though. Running a nation in EU5 is like running a Hong Kong startup — no sleep, no funding, no idea what the spreadsheet means.
🧩 Pok Gai Table of Suffering
🤡 Paradox Patch Philosophy
They don’t balance mechanics — they balance your patience.
Every dev diary sounds like > “we listened to player feedback.”
Then they double the micromanagement.
EU5 is like your annoying boss who says “let’s streamline workflow” and adds three new spreadsheets.
💀 Pok Gai Verdict
Europa Universalis 5 isn’t a game anymore — it’s a historical accounting degree with sad music.
You don’t rule empires — you manage HR, public health and Excel macros.
Paradox forgot fun doesn’t come from 20 sub-menus.
Fun comes from conquering France without Googling “what does governing capacity mean.”
Pok Gai says it best: If your strategy game feels like Tax Return 2025 — you done goofed lah.
💬 FAQ
1️⃣ Why is EU5 so complicated lor?
Paradox thinks complexity = depth. They keep adding systems until the game needs Excel license.
2️⃣ Is EU5 fun meh?
Fun if you’re an accountant with Stockholm fetish.
3️⃣ How to survive the new mechanics aiya?
Mods. Mods and copium. Also autosave every minute.
My 2 year old laptop can’t even play the game