EU5 Review: 10 Patches Later and it’s Still Total Pok Gai.
Why Johan’s "Rational AI" and the Eternal Black Death are making everyone puk gaai.
By PokgaiGamer
Aiya, where do we even start? We waited years for Europa Universalis V (Project Caesar), and Paradox finally gave it to us. But instead of a polished masterpiece, they gave us a full-time job as unpaid QA interns. It’s been 30 days since launch, and we’ve already hit Version 1.0.10.
Diu, ten patches in one month? That’s not “active development,” that’s a cry for help. If you need ten hotfixes before I can even finish my first Ming campaign, your game is officially pok gai.
Johan’s “Rational AI” (Or: Why Everyone is a Coward)
Lead Dev Johan Andersson has been all over the forums defending the new AI logic. He calls it “Rational AI.” He says the AI won’t expand because it’s doing a “cost-benefit analysis.”
Wah, cost-benefit? We are playing a grand strategy game, not doing our taxes! In EU4, the AI was a hungry tiger; in EU5, the AI is a pok gai accountant. It’s so afraid of debt that it just sits there for 300 years doing nothing while the map stays one boring color. Johan asked, “Why should the AI expand if it’s not beneficial?” Bro, because if nothing happens for four centuries, your players will puk gaai from boredom!
The Andean “Hunger Games”: 1337 Edition
If you picked the Incas on day one, congrats—you played the shortest game in history. Because of a “Severe Winter” modifier glitch, the Andes had a -200% food production penalty.
Your population literally ate itself. Your tribesmen pops consume food but produce zero, making them the ultimate pok gai dependents. Within ten years, the glorious Incan Empire became a literal ghost town. You didn’t lose to Pizarro; you lost to a spreadsheet error. Paradox “fixed” it in 1.0.10, but the trauma is real, man.
The “Eternal Plague” (Ligma Bug)
Then we have the Black Death. It’s supposed to be a crisis, but in EU5, it’s a life sentence. There’s a bug where the “Plague Situation” never ends. Your country stays bankrupt, your population keeps dropping, and the “Segregate” button is missing.
It’s the most pok gai pandemic simulation ever. Your king is dead, your peasants are dead, and the game is just like, “Keep going, everything is fine.” No, it’s not fine! It’s bugged to high heaven!
The Greenlandic Superpower (Siu Lin!)
And the funniest pok gai moment? Greenland. Because of how the “Proximity” math is coded, Greenland is currently the King of Colonialism.
While England is still trying to figure out how to build a boat, the Greenland AI has already colonized half of Canada because the North American tribes keep “deleting” themselves through a bugged migration logic. Seeing a Norse-Greenlandic Empire in Manhattan by 1360 is peak siu lin energy.
The Verdict: A Beautiful Mess
Look, underneath the 1.0.10 patches and the broken AI, there is a legendary game. The “Living Pop” system is actually genius—when it works. But right now? EU5 is a car with a Ferrari engine but no steering wheel.
We are all waiting for the 1.1 Rossbach Update in February. Until then, you’re just paying $70 to tell Johan why his “rational” AI is a total pok gai failure.